DEB's TeA PaRTy

「あたしの親友とか、ならないか？」

i haven't written in a while. by "written" i mean writing about my real life. like a diary. now that i know, if i have a CD player for life,i must start to collect my CDs at this moment. how boring and normal my life was: day by day, time past quietly as if it is not a part of life. (i write slow, bear with me) but when i tried to record all those into a disc, they all become stories. there was nothing big, there were only small pieces that could remind me how precious life is, and i am always, just a human being. i am not gonna retell all my stories here, since i am right in one of those busiest day and running out of time. i'll start with the first thing i can recall.

[ to family, to friend, to you...]

[ i am not a native speaker of English. and i know this better than anyone else. i used to pretend i'd study here since high school, but i knew i was not. and i know this better than anyone else. i said love English and i should. but i am not sure. i can communicate in English, but i cannot. and i know this better than anyone else. i couldn't speak. Not from my heart.i said i was never lie, but that was a lie. and i know this better than anyone else. ...]

[ i was here to find myself, but i foud that i lost more...]

i am one of those, rarely, always can stand in the middle. the last thing i want to do is to hurt someone and get hurts. this makes me out of any groups. yes, never belong to any group...or should i say, could never belong to any group. ( This school is wonderful. i was one of those came here with a dream, or many dreams. and they are just dreams, they must die in my memory before it come true. because i dont remember which one is mine. ) i am the only member in my group: no one can come in and no one can get out. most of the time, i will try to get involve with others. and when i am getting closer with them, i break apart. never turn back again. i hate myself when i am so fake. if i couldn't love people with heart at the beginning, i dont think i could ever. [by "the beginning," i mean when i start to make my judgement...] some people is hard to get close for some people. For me, it just happen to be "most of the people"... and i am so sorry for that. From kindegarden started to highschool ended, i made two friends that i really care... the others, i bet i would shed a tear for their gravestone.

- what will a human like this grow up to be?

- i am not here to learn English... i am here to find those i will love, just in cast they can only understand English...

- has god already link us together?

- can you bear me for i while before i can express myself well? i want to talk "FREE"...